Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Dizzy and confused: on the line of happiness and fear.

I've been quite happy here lately for several reasons. But I can't get some things out of my head. I'm working four jobs to stay in school, yet because of the time spent on those jobs I'm doing bad in school for lack of studying. Like a fog over my eyes I wonder how to break this cycle? Is it possible? I must continue to be happy on my own in order to be happy with those around me. No one individual makes us wonderfully fulfilled. They certainly can make things more bearable. But I cannot forget the one Savior who has brought be through my life, who has carried me so many times.

Drowning has always been my biggest fear, and though I've always imagined it in a very physical sense, I cannot help but recognize the way my mental capacities are being filled with the water of despair from my responsibilities. The results are not so lovely and resemble a young woman with curly hair appearing over-worked, underpaid, over-exhausted and yearning for reprieve. I long to take care of my body, to exercise, to do the things I enjoy, to SLEEP, to spend more time with my Savior: yet I cannot. I am failing in every sense of the word and I don't know how to stop. I have called out, I have begged, I have pleaded for reprieve. I know my Redeemer lives, but it would be so incredibly blessed to my soul if he would grant me a more tangible pardon. Peace. "My peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you;not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

Of late my blogging seems only to occur when my heart is heavy. When I am overwhelmed. I cannot disprove the fact that being exausted brings this about, just as I cannot disown the many, countless times Jesus has brought me through. Thus I'm just asking for prayer yet again. So if you've a moment, say one for me, and if you need prayer too, by all means let me know because as brothers and sisters in Christ's family we are to lift one another up. He places special people in our lives for us to bless and to be blessed by. I am so thankful for all of my loved ones and those I cherish. And just when I thought I could not ask for more He places more special people in my life. None of us are perfect, but I know that God is leading in our lives. How? You may wonder.

Because we ask Him to.

Just as my prayer all day has been, I ask that God will continue to lead me, through the good and bad alike, to give me strength to trust in His will, and to cherish me as His daughter as He always has.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

“Then shall the virgin rejoice in the dance, And the young men and the old, together; For I will turn their mourning to joy, Will comfort them, And make them rejoice rather than sorrow. I will satiate the soul of the priests with abundance, And My people shall be satisfied with My goodness, says the LORD.”
Jeremiah 31:13-14 NKJV
God is with you, and He will send friends to encourage you. If God tells you to seek counseling or advice from one of His servants, then listen. Don’t get so overwhelmed that your health is weakened. You are God’s child and He loves you and wants what is best for you.