Monday, January 10, 2011

Turn that Frown Upside Down...

So it's 3:08 a.m.

Fun times.

I really abhor the fact that I seem to be a hopeless nightowl.
It has so many drawbacks:
* I breakout with more acne easier... so please excuse my face.
* It makes one gain weight if your not careful...
* I end up hopelessly exhausted the next few days...
* I often seem to be attempting to discover things about life that I may have missed during normal, non-nocturnal, human hours...
* and... I generally dislike existing in such a drowsy state...

However, I must examine the reasons I continue on in my ways:
* I get great creative bursts...
* I believe I am convinced in some strange way that I will make some fantastic discovery about myself... or life in general...
* I think that I could come up with an ingenious tangible or at least visible reflection of my creative abilities...
* and.. I must somehow hate going to bed... which I always wonder at because when I end up placing my body there I always marvel at why I didn't get there sooner and I seem to have a certain adoration for the feeling of clean sheets against my skin.


So it's snowing outside... it began a bit before midnight. The required attendance of my education is canceled for tomorrow, and I have a mountain of homework to do tomorrow. I didn't have my devotions today, prayed little, made some delicious soup, got groceries... pretty-necessary to eat... didn't do my laundry... I sang my lungs out to some great karaoke songs, and only started homework around 1 a.m: which all pretty-much = if school wasn't canceled tomorrow I would be in deep personal aggravation. It's funny the forms that grace takes. I have high hopes for more productivity when I wake up in the morning.

Life isn't cookie-cutter. But it's real. I can complain a lot. But honestly, at the end of the day I can't really look back and pick it apart for the negatives. What good would that do me? For every negative event I can usually find a positive, if not SEVERAL positive experiences to trump melancholy feelings. But sometimes it just feels good to be in a bad mood. The important thing is to not stay grumpy.

Turn that Frown upside down.

My God knows. And I know He does.


Monday, January 3, 2011

Back to the Drawing Board... and bounding forward...

Well, I'm all packed and have loaded everything into my car: School bound. What this new semester will mean for me I have no clue yet, but if last semester was a note about this one, then I shall be decently happy. I'm content with this thought... I must be, for lots of things could go really wrong, and a lot of things could go very much right. I'm looking forward to watching the right that's going to come from the wrongs and watching the rights that simply become AMAZINGLY right. Who knows, I could be anywhere and accompanied by any number of awesomely-lovely people; I could accomplish goals I have yet to further define, and... I could become closer in my walk with God.

These are decisions I will face, often many choices will define what happens in detail this semester, but ultimately it is my choice to be happy and thankful for the life God is leading me in. I ask for His guidance so I won't have to make blind or ignorant choices. I thank Him for where He has brought me from and what He has taken me through, trusting that this semester He shall be by my side once more.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Turning point

I've been led to another starting point... though still the continuation of a chapter I've been working on. I have no desire to make resolutions I shall not keep this year... Resolutions are pretty cliche... when I think about it. I already exercise, I only lack the ability to sleep on a regular schedule like a normal person and I've already been trying my hand at remedying that problem for years. The only difference is that I'm tired of a couple of things recently brought to my attention after some much-needed reflection: I am weary of caring so bloody much about what other people think and I'm exhausted from looking out for # 1 all the time. There I said it. I'm done. If I do something to annoy you, by all means, walk away, do not grace me with your presence of fake civility anymore simply because I could possibly do something to further whatever means of living you yourself are trying to enhance. We have all been out for number one at some point or another, but my resolution is about my character. I have to shake my head even thinking about the irony of my resolute desire to change in parallel with the very NAME of my blog: "the inside change."

Honestly. Where do I get off twirling around in self-constructed narcissism? My prayer, is to work on my character. I'm tired of being selfish: people don't have to seem selfish to be selfish. I'm tired of looking out for # 1 all the time and I pray that I may stop this constant commentary and planning in my brain via constant "play-by-play" concerning how to always come out on top of my game. There is a bit of exaggeration as I describe myself, but this is how I feel sometimes about the way my brain processes: chock-full of selfishness.

God, correct me, perfect me for your work. Guide me in shedding this layer of selfish thinking and help me to reach out to your children.