Tuesday, November 17, 2009

What? You're a night owl too?

My tooth feels loose. Yup. Like one of those feelings you get after you haven't flossed in a while and then your teeth complain after such a break, like the movement is the French Revolution all over again. But it's just one tooth. No biggie. I've got more. Although I just grinned to remind myself how important that tooth is. I have no anecdote to apply to that little tangent. Twas simply for the bliss of actually feeling my fingers flow over this sticky mac keyboard in the office. Watching my brain spill out words onto a white screen is like magic after a long day like today. I'm so happy. God got me through. Not me. He. And at the end of the day I'll have a chance to bed by midnight and a blog to show. A speech done, a project turned in, work at the newspaper and the mac lab accomplished, and a homework assignment completed.

This is the point in the evening when I like to put on oldies, opera, folk rock or classical and burn hazelnut candles. I've got everything but the candles. What have I to complain about. I'm still in the office, but my fingers will stop shortly. I haven't exercised today. So at least I can comfort my body by patting my digits on each hand and saying "good job. You burned five calories."

I look forward to the morning with anticipation, as do my fingers, for they know the exercise of a news story will challenge their strength. But let's not make it too early shall we? I'd like to see the sun rise. How bout seven? I think I'd like that. For now I'm going to close my eyes and listen to the rest of this song playing by A Fine Frenzy and then I'm going to take my leave of this familiar office and breathe some crisp fall night air before I tuck my body into bed.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Man o man it's morning AGAIN!

Most assuredly, allow me to explain, my deepest desire. Some would call claim to desires of gold, others clothes and houses, yet the only desires to fill up my mind are to sleep, to sleep and to be caught up in my school work. Miserable are my 2:21 and 3:10 a.m. nights. Cold are my 7 a.m. mornings. My pulse quickens at the hope of catching up and being level again by the end of this week. I've got two news stories to write, a painting to paint for this evening, due at 6:30. So I'm finishing up my Annotative References for my Communication Research class. I have NO desire to do anything with the word "research" attached any time soon!!! I just finished a 10 page research paper on how the use of color in advertising affects consumers. It was interesting research, but I simply had not the time. I turned it in late. Bummer. But hey, it's done, and it's one less thing hanging over my head. For this I can certainly grin!

God's willing I will make it to the weekend well with a chance for rest. For now I'm going to get those references typed up and I now plan on sending them with my roommate to class in the "morning" and will sleep in and clean and paint when I get up. I have a meeting at 11 I have to get to. Too bad I can't just slip away with the entire morning to a quiet, secluded spot. Perhaps it would be a forest with sunlight pouring in on a clearing, yellow leaves of fall reflecting the warmth of the golden rays. I'd like a pillow of soft, thick, green moss, a blanket of heather and a kiss on the cheek. This sleeping beauty is gonna need a kiss before the days all said and done. (*again, I grin)

My Savior has brought me through another day, though slightly into the next one as well. He's the only one who can save me from my self. Ps. 34 is worth a good read. I think I'll do that before I turn in for the "night".

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Today is Beautiful

Usually my feelings toward extreme Sundays are quite ambiguous and not a little apathetic. Simply filling with the desire to accomplish the mountainous tasks before me is not great, however, today is beautiful. I for once have gotten rest. I spent some time in the Word, and though this is usually attempted throughout the course of my day at some point, it was especially nice this morning. My soul was granted a reprieve. God has heard my prayers. I know He listens. It's just hard to see through the fog sometimes. I'm thankful. I've been sick-and-tired of rolling around in the dirt hoping to get clean. I'm not going to say it's easy, but,today is beautiful and I love it.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Dizzy and confused: on the line of happiness and fear.

I've been quite happy here lately for several reasons. But I can't get some things out of my head. I'm working four jobs to stay in school, yet because of the time spent on those jobs I'm doing bad in school for lack of studying. Like a fog over my eyes I wonder how to break this cycle? Is it possible? I must continue to be happy on my own in order to be happy with those around me. No one individual makes us wonderfully fulfilled. They certainly can make things more bearable. But I cannot forget the one Savior who has brought be through my life, who has carried me so many times.

Drowning has always been my biggest fear, and though I've always imagined it in a very physical sense, I cannot help but recognize the way my mental capacities are being filled with the water of despair from my responsibilities. The results are not so lovely and resemble a young woman with curly hair appearing over-worked, underpaid, over-exhausted and yearning for reprieve. I long to take care of my body, to exercise, to do the things I enjoy, to SLEEP, to spend more time with my Savior: yet I cannot. I am failing in every sense of the word and I don't know how to stop. I have called out, I have begged, I have pleaded for reprieve. I know my Redeemer lives, but it would be so incredibly blessed to my soul if he would grant me a more tangible pardon. Peace. "My peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you;not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

Of late my blogging seems only to occur when my heart is heavy. When I am overwhelmed. I cannot disprove the fact that being exausted brings this about, just as I cannot disown the many, countless times Jesus has brought me through. Thus I'm just asking for prayer yet again. So if you've a moment, say one for me, and if you need prayer too, by all means let me know because as brothers and sisters in Christ's family we are to lift one another up. He places special people in our lives for us to bless and to be blessed by. I am so thankful for all of my loved ones and those I cherish. And just when I thought I could not ask for more He places more special people in my life. None of us are perfect, but I know that God is leading in our lives. How? You may wonder.

Because we ask Him to.

Just as my prayer all day has been, I ask that God will continue to lead me, through the good and bad alike, to give me strength to trust in His will, and to cherish me as His daughter as He always has.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Upon this edge I sleep

My soul.
I feel as though it is taking leave of me.
I need a tangible amount of mercy.
Just enough hope to grasp.
Surviving on this bread and water,
My heart is failing at last.

Hidden are the verses in my mind.
Eyes too closed to see.
The very air with which I breath,
threatens to smother me.

Where is my Savior's mercy?
Will His hands gather my needs?
Taken from this world of suffering,
My Savior, my only relief.
Upon this edge I sleep.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

I Just Realized...

Hitting my noggin like an egg hits a house on Halloween, I suddenly realized this week's Accent has the possibility of being littered with my first and last name. This slightly worries me, because:
a. People will be reading my writing and may thus judge me.
b. My writing may be terrible.
c. something could go wrong again.

The possible contents of this week's edition involving my name include:
1. Front page piece on the Cohutta Springs Triathlon.
2. One of the news pages possibly containing a short introduction of Melissa Hefferlin, one of the Art Department's new teachers.
3. Lifestyles page with an album/artist review I wrote on Brandi Carlile and her new album Giving up the Ghost.

I suppose we'll see what happens. Blah. I need a vacation.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Today is good

Hello friends.

I have a confession to make: I am tired, but if you need a hug, let me know, cause I probably need one too ;)

Today has been lovely. Such a glittering change from the buckets of water that dumped over our heads last week. No more grey skies! I feel like I'm living in TN again!

Challenge of the day: Spend some time walking around barefoot. Enjoy this green grass while we have it! But look for a fall leaf to use a bookmark.

Mmmm... I just love the smell of fall!


Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I just said what I need to say. If I didn't hold things in... letting them burn my soul in their steady, repetitive manner. I'd like to try it today. Maybe I won't have enough courage when it comes to the punch. Maybe it will continue to burn my hopes or just to grow me in patience, but sometimes I think getting it out and over with is better than any quick plunge into cold waters on hot days. It could be like a relief. I'd like that: a relief.

That'd be nice.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Satire or Exhaustion? Irony or scrutiny?

Even my eyebrow twitched, wishing to raise as I felt my lips threatening to part... to turn up. With all silent might my brain willed them not to break into a full smile, which I owned had potential to turn the situation at hand into something quite awkward. I'm pretty-sure he knew I was hiding something, possibly taking it to mean disappointment, yet little did he know the irony my thoughts were turning to as he spoke, and the sheer will I had not to bust up in front of his face. Propriety was holding me captive. All the better for my reputation.

Exhaustion: the point where everything in life has the capability to appear either devastating or, my personal favorite: hilarious. For absolutely NO reason. Clearly I prefer the latter, having just stated so, but I do wish exhaustion wasn't such a well known acquaintance.

Admittedly, I LOVE awkward situations. They are fun. They are dandy. They are awesome. I can't get enough of em. However, not all feel the same. I'm o.k. with that. If they did, then there would never be awkward moments. WHAT WOULD THE WORLD BE LIKE WITHOUT THEM! My mind shouts.

O.k. so it really didn't shout, but it made realize how great they are.

I'm gonna be honest in saying that if you're reading this ditty for the sake of finding out what scenario I was alluding to in the first paragraph, then sorry to disappoint, but I'm not givin' that one up just yet. Maybe next time ;)

Is that awkward? Nope. But I still smiled.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


As I rip open the cereal box with a sigh, I notice large, angular words printed across the front of the box: 2 BONUS BOX TOPS!

Now they're trying to tell my subconscious that I should be excited about them "rewarding" me with two extra pieces of cardboard that I can cut out and send to them to help further the funding of some education program because everyone in the government, donkey and elephant alike, keep arguing about how neither gives a ducky about getting more funds for education, and our children are receiving a less dedicated education than some of the third world countries I've been to. Whew, man. Glad I got that off my chest.

Walking around for days, facing sour-faced people, sad-face, tired-face, mean-face, despair-face... ugly-face... the latter not being because anyone fell out of the the ugly tree; these are handsome people with characteristics of health and vigor wishing to show through, but due to this cycle we're paying to plague ourselves through we are daunted by tasks felt impossible. Hearts are heavy, skies grey and lives intimidated to the point of self-admittance into dark boxes. Will the sun shine anytime soon?

I've been putting down "Exercise" in my schedule for weeks now. I've gone running a grand total of twice. My head is yearning for endorphins, my belly willing to run from anymore carbs. School these past weeks has not been conducive to a healthy, balanced lifestyle; a rollie pollie waiting to uncurl, I wish I'd stop getting poked!

I doze, I run in circles, I do homework, forget to eat, then eat too much... Then I do it all over again. Yesterday I was on top of my A-game, the day before I was drowning. Today I was granted to come up for air once, and by this evening I would love to even have a B-game goin on. Tomorrow: well that's another adventure, but through it all I am praying myself through. It's the only thing I CAN do without fumbling up. In this entire process I've discovered how many-a-woman gives up on the dream of "settling down." Shoot. I wouldn't have time for a man if I wanted one right now. Plus, I certainly do not desire to wish more problems upon myself. It's not that I'm not at all open to considering anything, but for now, singleness is the shiz. And it looks as though by the time it's all over with, prince charming is going to have to do some shaking of the shoulders to wake me up from this trance. God's willing that he can.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

And the Wind and the Waves Shall Obey Him

August 19, 2009, 1:20 p.m. - Suddenly I was lying in the bottom of it. I knew it was the only way to survive. I clung to whatever solid, tangible object I could. The fiberglass was painted blue, just like my daunting surroundings and I hoped that it wasn’t some strange parallel predicting my fate. My heart pounded and I willed for a heart attack or even a brain aneurism to take me before I became swallowed in the smothering, swelling beast, so I could pass before my horrible fate and my worst nightmare became a reality.

Rising and falling, 20 feet up, 30 feet down; the swells were too big for the American part of me, yet the Islander within me also screamed that the ocean was going to swallow me whole. And my cousin was laughing. My friend Fabiola and I were each sharing a portion of the bottom of the small boat. Its 17 foot long by five foot wide body was only a spec on the ocean’s plain. Then I heard a sputter and a lull come over the 25 horse power monotony I knew as the engine.
Earlier that day we had decided to go on an adventure to a notorious beach. Half-Moon Bay is so secluded and out of the way that the islanders of Roatan, Honduras hardly bother going there. Because of its natural beauty it has become a famous spot for celebrity sightings. And I wanted to see a celebrity, but I also preferred not to die.

The plan was for my cousin Kurt and I to leave my grandparents house before 10 a.m. and pick up my friend Fabiola across the harbor and head out before 10:30. When I called the states to talk to my parents the night before, I promised my mom, who is from the island, that I would go on one condition: That the ocean was calm.
My cousin Kurt is a year older than I and a true islander at that. Driving a boat from the time he could tell left from right, his boat driving experience beat mine by a long-shot. I trusted him. He’d proven himself while driving around Oak Ridge, the part of the island where my mom’s family lives, but the difference between that and our planned excursion is that Oak Ridge is inside of the reef. One has to drive OUTSIDE of the reef in order to reach Half-Moon Bay. I was going to face open sea in a very small speed boat. But, I was ready.

Apparently I had to leave US soil in order to learn to swim, because at 20 I was finally able to boast that skill I had so long coveted. Up until then, I had been living with an outright deathly fear of drowning and a hate of bathing suits, a combination that had kept me from treading past my neck on trips to Florida, and out of most pools in the States while growing up. However, having just learned to swim three weeks before, soon after my arrival on the island, I had already proven to be a strong swimmer, thoroughly beating several of my island friends while racing in swim contests. I guess it took jumping off a wall into the ocean, a sink or swim kind of deal to rid me of my fear. I was finally ready for open sea. Or so I thought, because on the afternoon of August 19, all I knew was that I was sure I was going to be doing some sinking, and that I wanted to punch my cousin.

His laughter was echoing off the sides of the boat as he started the engine again. To him the rising and the falling of the small boat was nothing compared to “actual rough weather,” and so he had decided to play a trick on Fabiola and me by stalling the engine. My rebuttals to this action would later greet him once my feet were on dry land, but at that time I kept quiet and rather pious as my mind was yelling prayers into the heavens. I was sure at any moment we would capsize or even a whale would nudge our boat to its final watery destination. As Kurt turned the boat back and we moved closer to the entrance of the reef's safety, I knew that God had heard my prayers, and since I had promised in my moment of fear to use my voice for Him from that year on, that is exactly what I am attempting.

We serve a God that cares. Even if He was laughing at me along with my cousin for my lack of trust and over-dramatic panic, I had to wonder what the disciples had promised God that day while Jesus was sleeping in the bottom of the boat before he stood up to calm the waves.

Monday, September 14, 2009

I'd Like To Grow Old With You...

Is it too much to ask to find someone to grow old with that would like to sit by the fire in the evenings and read and rest while listening to the croonings of Iron & Wine, Jose Gonzales, The Weepies, Ray LaMontagne, Death Cab, and the likes... No TV polluting the atmosphere... Conversation with comfortable, enjoyable silence between. Something hot and aromatically sweet in a warm mug, warm lamp light and candles, no fluorescents blinding the peace... Just heavy, cozy blankets in the winter and large, open windows in the summer. A company of two dear friends in love with each other. Countenances in appreciation of one an-other's differences and in blissful enjoyance of our similarities.

All of this daydream is a life after college. I live only bits and pieces of my desires as I reside in a place with a thousand geese and their brown mushy letters. It's nice here, but there's greener grass. I'd like to plant some. I suppose I have to just live the best way I can, now, with what I have. In this I must convince myself to be content for another year... But I'm still convinced that I might know him... and he might know me... but, I guess we'll have to see. For now I'm writing letters to God. And they aren't brown, under someone's shoe or in the middle of the road.

The Ratz at the Farm

Am I going to the funny farm?

Cause things really don't seem that funny right now.

8 zillion things to do... and all like a toe in the face.

Just over two weeks of school, and little thoughts of figuratively punching folks in the face cross the border of the sanity line in my mind.

The reason they call it a rat race is because it's for rats. Not for humans. What are we doing?


I spend time with God in the morning, but leave him by the doorway.

I wanna take him through the day.

I want Him to take me through the day.

Where is he?
What's taking him so long?

Sunday, September 13, 2009


From waking to dusk... an entire day of concentration lost.

These legs have carried me around today. These arms have wasted time. Fingers fed me leftover cake. Healthy day. Waking at noon, sleep to come again after the number repeats.

"Time, there's always time, on my mind. Pass me by, I'll be fine, just give me time. Time. Cold water." -Damion Rice

Wasted, used, lost, recalled, recovered, memorized, forgotten: Time

"The time that I've taken, I pray it's not wasted. Have I already tasted, my peice of one sweet love." -Sara Bareilles

Nothing accomplished, but much prayed over. Nothing to show, but tomorrow will tell. Is "my mind to settle for an honest mistake in the name of one sweet love?"

"I wish I knew"

Today is becoming tomorrow. My blood feels the turnover. My mind brings the relization of a coming dawn. My eyes close to the tangibility of the darkness around me, bringing me hope of a new chance with time as a new quiet hovers over my beating heart and rushing mind. Sounds of breathing touch my ears in whispers.

Tomorrow time and I have a date. Our dispostions didn't work together too well today... we'll see if either of us has changed.

Sometimes the only question I have for time is, "what's taking him so long?" Take that for what you want... cause on many a day... that question changes to have many a meaning. Tonight it's not in my desire to disclose, but time will tell.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Trying to Fit It All In

Staying up all night is no longer my cup-of-tea. Infact, I rather hate it. I have a bit of a sore throat right now as it is... but have been working on my schedule for this fall. I'm begining to wish that I would graduate already... start my career... get married... and move to some other country for a while... do some mission work... better yet... live my life as a mission (but that I should already be doing daily!! Mercy!).

But those are just daydreams. For now.

My reality is that I have two-and-a-half years left before I graduate. That means before I get married for sure too, cause I WILL finish my education before I tie a knot in someone else's rope with mine . Just gonna admit it: I have no idea what God has in mind for me. I'm scared. I'm worried. And I'm a jerk for saying that I believe in him and yet continue to have these reactions to His life plan for me.

"Lord, I'm working four jobs, I have no money, neither do my parents... and there are kids out there that don't even WANT to go to a university, and yet their parents are able to pay their entire way without them even having to EVER lift a finger to work for it. Why?

Oh my God, I trust in thee. When I am tempted to ask myself, 'What else can I do?' Remind me gently to ask myself 'What more do I need?'

Jesus, forgive me for my unbelief.. and help me to use what you HAVE given me for YOU. Help me to put my hope in you and to help others with what I DO HAVE, instead of complaining abut what I DON'T have. Thank you Father. Thank you for ALWAYS taking the time to listen to me."

I will not drown this semester. I am going to work my four jobs, do my homework and take time to study, but I VOW to take time to spend with the One who is the ONLY reason for ANY of my feeble efforts.

You don't always have to feel blessed to be a blessing... But if you focus on the blessings you can be, you will see the blessings that you have.

Monday, July 20, 2009

What's REALLY Happening in Honduras

The following video is an explanation of what is and has been going on in Honduras. It is closest to the truth concerning the events that have been happening with Zelaya. My mother is a Honduran citizen, and though she is now a resident in the United States, the rest of her family still lives in Honduras.

Unfortunately, I cannot say that I agree with the stance the US has taken concerning these events. I am truly sad about this. As an American I desire to stand behind the decisions my country makes. But also as an American I am given the freedom to make decisions on my own, to be open minded and to speak freely. Thus, I have chosen to look at this situation, examining and hearing out the different sides. And I have chosen to disagree with Obama and the OAS.

They are not respecting the constitution of Honduras and seem only concerned with patting others on the back. Ultimately I feel ashamed of what they are making America out to be: Supporters of Communism. Our country stands on a strong and beautiful constitution, and I am proud of what the United States represents, but our administration of late has seemingly been trying to do a pretty-good job of erasing the foundation of what we stand for straight from under our very feet. May God truly bless America and may we remember who we are and in Whom we trust.

Please watch the following with an open mind and pray that God will guide you to take the stance that is correct. We don't have to agree, but, I maintain that respect is important.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


Hanging on with bare fingers to the edge of a rocky cliff, my hands turn white as all blood rushes from my weak grasp. With my own strength I climb on, weaker with every maneuver. In my mind I'm already falling. In my mind I've already lost the battle. So, so tired, physically, but especially mentally from my constant yearnings to be better, to be stronger, to try harder. I've lost all focus, straying towards this nagging vertigo.


When I finally take time to shut my eyes, the dizzy feeling becomes worse for only a second before fleeing my body. Time and time again it is the same. I'm baffled by the dissatisfaction that riddles my mind with doubts. Yet, I'm rocked into a greater reality when I stop to ask for help and help is given. Instead of starting my day hanging from the side of a rocky cliff, I should be opening my eyes to the red letters written so clearly for me to see. I could be reading the map and walking the road up the hill that's been placed before me, not watching my hands turn white from weak attempts to see over the mountain.

Today, just like I should EVERYDAY, I choose to give my life to the only one who has been down my road before. I'm choosing to take the time to sing the blessings from my heart to my Father in Heaven. Give my time, my talents, my wandering mind to him that can mold me and shape me into the daughter that he can lead. I'm done with cliffs and jagged edges. I choose to walk the road today. I may still slip and stumble, but my heart is ready for a change.

Monday, July 13, 2009

I'd Rather Go Blind

This song is so strong. It is one of the best love songs. Etta James is the original singer, but Beyonce does a beautiful job in her own style here as well. I'm pretty sure that if my heart ever gets broken badly... I'll be sing'n this song.

Not that I'm planning on getting my heart broken anytime soon... haha... but I was just listening to this tonight and wanted to share it cause it's such a fave of mine.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Giving the Red Stuff

The lady from Blood Assurance keeps calling me. "Aimee, when are you going to donate blood? Your O- is very important since you are a universal donor."

I keep telling her I work at camp, AND I don't have a car, but that I plan on coming when I can.

She called again this morning. In the middle of cabin share my phone rings... HOW EMBARRASSING... the ONE time I have my phone on me during a camp function. Surprise. It rings. Finally I explained to her for the ga-billionth time why I haven't made it in to donate this summer, even gave her my camp spiel. And made sure to sound like I cared even more than I do by asking how long I have to wait to give blood after a trip to Central America. "Twelve months," she says.

After practically swearing my right arm to her before I leave the country, she leaves me with a, "Thank you so much, have a nice day."

"Maybe she won't bother me for a year then as soon as pump out my blood for them." Only one of a few sarcastic remarks that rolled around my brain during the course of our conversation.

Usually during the school year I give around every two months. Giving blood is important to me. Once, when my grandfather was in the hospital I got to donate blood specifically for him. There was just something important to my heart knowing that I got to give back to him some of the life, the blood, that he passed on to me through my dad.

Giving blood is just one way for me to help save a life, but sometimes I wish I did more life saving. How can I expect to save a body physically, when I'm not showing them how to be saved spiritually; How to keep their heart pumping, but not how to save their soul praying?

This year, no, this day, I hope God will guide me to save a life. Haha... and perhaps to take some of my sarcasm and self-centeredness away.

Maybe I can start with the Blood Assurance lady.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The June Bug that Thrives in July

I have this innate fear of walking along and getting hit in the neck by a flying, zooming, reckless June bug. Upon impact I assume my ears to be filled with a zap and buzzing sound, my skin left tingling as six stickered legs poke its surface, and all around me twould be greeted with either the yelp of my shock or the scream of my horror. The only other place worse than one's neck to be greeted by a bug of any sort is the ear. Disgusting.

By-the-by I will note that I probably swallow close to 2-3 gnats each week on average. All occuring in a quite unwilling manner on the account of both parties... gnat and myself. Ahhh... sometimes I just feel camp is the life.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Some Sabbath Inspiration..

"Then Jesus came to restore in man the image of his Maker. None but Christ can fashion anew the character that has been ruined by sin. He came to expel the demons that had controlled the will. He came to lift us up from the dust, to reshape the marred character after the pattern of His divine character, and to make it beautiful with His own glory."

E.G.W. Desire of Ages p.37, 38

One of my favorites. A beautiful reminder of His gift, and of my desire to be reshaped.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

A Favorite Quote:

"To love deeply in one direction makes us more loving in all others."
- Anne-Sophie Swetchine

Love is unconditional, it does not boast, it is not easily angered. Learning to love is the lesson of a lifetime. Just when we think we have all the love in our hearts we would ever need, someone comes along to test our theory, our patience, our very balance. I liken love to a plant: You water a plant to make it grow, and you must ask for God to "water" your heart with love so you may cultivate it. It must be tried and stretched and practiced. It grows. It must be shown and given and recieved. It grows.

When we do not feel it growing, when we feel like our love is enough, that is the very instant in which our love is subject to loss.

Don't let love become an endangered species. We have enough of those already.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

One of Those Days...

Curiosity killed the cat? If you aren't curious... do you live forever? I think not. In fact, I believe that it is our inner curiosity that begs us to learn how to gain eternal life... It is the "uncurious" who do not live. This was just a random thought I just had, yet I don't have the brain power at this hour to run with it. I'm tired. I'm cranky, and I want my bed. Why I'm not already settled in my cold room inside that warm sleeping back with my blanket wrapped around me I have only one excuse: I'm a slave to communication.

It's one of my majors in college, it's something I do. Communication is engrained in my very soul. I call my parents, I call my friends, I write, I sing, I wave my arms, I make faces... I communicate. And often times it keeps me from getting to bed. About this I am not exuberant. But first I will make a list of events that happened to me today:

1. Got my first bug bite of the summer. Yeah, don't be too jealous... I don't even wear bug spray.

2. Learned the names of all the girls in 2 cabins... aka... 24 names! And they are as precious as pie!

3. A bug crawled up my leg and I thought it was a spider. That was just gross.

4. Fell up a hill today... and even rolled... haven't fallen in a long time... don't plan to for a long time... only two people saw... I think. haha... at least it gave ME something to laugh about!

5. And my personal favorite (NOT!) I got stung for the very first time EVER in my life... by a WASP! On my California waving finger on my left hand... on the knuckle... Hurt like the dickens. DOWN WITH WASPS!

6. My actual favorite: It was implied by my mum that she has doubts about me ever committing to a relationship... aka... wonders if I will ever get married... lol... ok... so that's not what she said... but I ran with it. And though that's not entirely the case, I will admit I loathe making mistakes, and apparently God is working on building up the patience of the man, cause it's gonna take a lot of his patience to woo me. But I shall expound on these things tomorrow.

As for now... Bon nuit, Buenas Noches, Tai jaa and Good night.

Monday, June 22, 2009

So I've been busy

Writing has been on the back burner for a while in my life... It's something I rather enjoy, but I tried the super-woman thing and I just couldn't fit every caprice-related event into my schedule. Some things had to go.

I'm back in the saddle.
(speaking of saddles I should make an effort to actually get on a real one... afterall there's a bunch of em right down the road. I AM at camp afterall. I will make a note of this)

Honestly, I have heaps to write, and will very, v. soon. However, my time is short and my bed is calling... more like yelling my name, so I will end this with a vow to commence my blogging and a few verses, afterall, it is adverture week here at camp;I will expound upon my thoughts later:

"And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."
Matthew 18:3

"At that time Jesus said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children....Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 18:25,28-30

Monday, April 27, 2009

A little loveliness from E.E. Cummings: a favorite quote

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, day and night, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting." --E.E. Cummings."

I find nothing more to add. Thank you E.E. Cummings. You have bequeathed a sense of solidarity upon my soul today; if my soul were a color it would be a spring green of caprice, if my ears have been deaf I must unplug the headphones, what my eyes have not seen I've covered with my hands and habits of ignorant exclusion...so take those hands and part them like my heart, make me open to accept, cherish and love without abandon: I am whole.

One Step Forward... Two Steps Back

Here lately I've been feeling guilty for not writing like I used to, so I'm posting a few of my blogs from myspace that are pretty darn applicable to my current thoughts and musings...This one was inspired by a Katie Herzig song called "I will Follow." A pretty darn-good song. I really appreciate music that gets my mind rolling. Anyway...Hope you enjoy...hope it gets your mind rolling. And I enjoy feedback, so don't be shy.

One step forward, two steps back.

Winter comes and fall fades.

Lovers dream and reality cleans.

I am walking, I am sitting, I am pondering, I am sleeping.

One step forward, two steps back.

I am waiting, I am watching.

I will follow.

I sit backwards on my unmade bed. Home for the first time in two months. It's lovely indeed. So funny how I forget so easily that this is my favorite place. Being in the vicinity of those I trust is not only calming, but simply overall restoring to my very soul.

Feeling lost is an easy thing to do. I've decided it's for the lazy. Sometimes it's for me. But not ultimately. I apparently like to find myself; comtemplation through journaling, writing seemingly empty, random, though soul searching lyrics on a lazy winter Sunday afternoon, all-the-while struming repetative chords on my guitar for hours on end. Reading. Painting. Little artsy things that take up my time, fill my mind, and steal my thoughts from things that matter like helping others.

Some how I continually am bombarded by some thought that I must find out who I am before I can really give myself to others.

I'm pretty sure this is a lie.

I'm pretty sure I should forget myself. Lose myself. Plunge myself into the depths of worldly waters, taking oxygen for those without a line connected to the surface of the cross covered with love enough to breath into their bluing, cold lips. Lips they've tried to warm by other means. My own lips have been cold. My fingers numb from the continual strumming of chords to find my soul.

I have found it. Listen to the crys of others, feel their pain for a moment, forget the apathetic stance of the traditional Christian face that the world so often views, the one who claims unconditional love, while viewing the conditions,double-checking the list to see if it's ok...just give it to them.



Am I uncomfortable because I don't think that I can love them, or is it because I know I can, but it will lead me out of my little safe corner? Is it because it requires more than one of my smiles?



One step forward, two steps back.

Two steps forward, no looking back...

A Steady Death

Not sure what to call this one...It started out as a "would-be" poem...however...It kinda became its own thing...and I'm pretty-sure I was mad or along those lines when I wrote it...not that you needed to know that :] But yeah...this one's older too...

(A death.) Slow in its wake, yet steady in its canter, a grey mass subdues a relationship long overdue; nibbling at first upon the edges of conversation, savoring the destruction in each bite. Correspondence t'would grow stronger if not doused by careless neglect. Worlds with much in common, dance about different orbits, left to enjoy only the shadows of their being. One world full of hunger yet flowing with much to give; the other is preoccupied, focused on the tasks ahead.

How often they do pass without meeting the others gaze, missing opportunities to find their common ways. Two worlds spinning to their unknown destinations shall continue in their way, missing one another, forgetting what to say; once their conversations, mutual and free from care, now stumble awkwardly forward, dying in mid-air.

Breathing becomes shallow as the connection grows in distance. Pieces of their worlds falling from their grasp, bathing in their own light wearing shallowly chosen masks. With every step apart, their dance grows slightly weaker, declining to admit a friendships looking bleaker. Strong-willed, self-centered adamancy places their circles in the past. A looming fortress of glass walls will to be broken, yet the worlds spin on, silently unspoken.

These two, allowing ignorance to fill their ever widening oceans, drown slowly as they sink beneath their own cold, lonely depths, swallowing the last of happiness past. No fingers dare unclasp the corset smothering their final gasps. A glance missed a word unheard, a greeting destined to fall on deaf ears; the steady death of a relationship; the transparent promise of life. A woven basket for each heart, covers them from the gaze of others; two worlds slipping into the orbits of the worlds around, never to dance again.


Ever had that feeling creeping through your body that causes your entire being to struggle against spontaneously saying or doing something? Something that makes perfect sense to you at that very moment, yet your brain, however much it yearns for you to carry it out, still resists the urge. A strong impression to climb that tree you just passed...cause you can? To tell someone you care for them or do something to help them, ignoring the stares. Yearning for a moment to sing the song in your head, to dance nomatter who's around, to kick your feet up on the desk and yawn, or rudely roll your eyes? Saying all the silly things that come to mind precisely the moment of their birth, makeing those around you laugh regaurdless of the judgements looming over you, ready to burn with intimidation, deeply engraving scars upon your skin.

The feeling of life...Living as a smooth, transparent piece of glass, polished by the sand around, yet valuable to the smallest observer. Making life more enjoyable for all, more valuable for lack of worry over your own self-image. To KNOW YOUR VALUE. To be assured of it. Living a breathing reality of life made better because you enjoy the simple things and say all the quirky words; those that previously rolled around in your mouth til you believed they became the pearls expected by the world.

Sure we walk around many times in a half-naked state. Momentarily daring to acquiesce to those brief moments of spontaneous self-expression. Allowing our skin to enjoy the essence of a sentence not contemplated, but original. Yet, we continually attempt to moisturize our elbows with "high quality, expensive words" we believe to be nourishing our delicate epidermis. Do our our egos continually thirst? This method of shallow assurance may work for some at times, however, my soul feels the silent aknowledgement of a universal desire. I believe there is, in every identity, a yearning to use something more unique, more earthy and natural on our skin. Inside we can sense that, like hemp shampoo, that original, unexpected, raw phrasing, will lather ohh so much better then the thirty dollar stuff, worded so nicely outside the bottle that everyone else uses.

When will we learn that walking around completely naked is ok. Not worrying what everyone else will think. We all want to do it; at some time or another. We envy those that do, yet shun them at times for their bravery. I want that transparency for my life. I don't want to be the "wanna be hippie", the "I wish I could've said that" saint. I don't want to be luke warm, afraid of germs, of sickness, of the trials of those I yearn to reach out to; to be complete in my skin, without worry, without a mask. If the water must boil for the coffee to brew, then it's time to boil that water and quit drinking tepid cups of weak coffee and using imprudent amounts of pricey lotion simply because it's expected. There. I hear the coffee boiling, and I left my clothes at home.