Monday, September 28, 2009

Today is good

Hello friends.

I have a confession to make: I am tired, but if you need a hug, let me know, cause I probably need one too ;)

Today has been lovely. Such a glittering change from the buckets of water that dumped over our heads last week. No more grey skies! I feel like I'm living in TN again!

Challenge of the day: Spend some time walking around barefoot. Enjoy this green grass while we have it! But look for a fall leaf to use a bookmark.

Mmmm... I just love the smell of fall!


Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I just said what I need to say. If I didn't hold things in... letting them burn my soul in their steady, repetitive manner. I'd like to try it today. Maybe I won't have enough courage when it comes to the punch. Maybe it will continue to burn my hopes or just to grow me in patience, but sometimes I think getting it out and over with is better than any quick plunge into cold waters on hot days. It could be like a relief. I'd like that: a relief.

That'd be nice.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Satire or Exhaustion? Irony or scrutiny?

Even my eyebrow twitched, wishing to raise as I felt my lips threatening to part... to turn up. With all silent might my brain willed them not to break into a full smile, which I owned had potential to turn the situation at hand into something quite awkward. I'm pretty-sure he knew I was hiding something, possibly taking it to mean disappointment, yet little did he know the irony my thoughts were turning to as he spoke, and the sheer will I had not to bust up in front of his face. Propriety was holding me captive. All the better for my reputation.

Exhaustion: the point where everything in life has the capability to appear either devastating or, my personal favorite: hilarious. For absolutely NO reason. Clearly I prefer the latter, having just stated so, but I do wish exhaustion wasn't such a well known acquaintance.

Admittedly, I LOVE awkward situations. They are fun. They are dandy. They are awesome. I can't get enough of em. However, not all feel the same. I'm o.k. with that. If they did, then there would never be awkward moments. WHAT WOULD THE WORLD BE LIKE WITHOUT THEM! My mind shouts.

O.k. so it really didn't shout, but it made realize how great they are.

I'm gonna be honest in saying that if you're reading this ditty for the sake of finding out what scenario I was alluding to in the first paragraph, then sorry to disappoint, but I'm not givin' that one up just yet. Maybe next time ;)

Is that awkward? Nope. But I still smiled.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


As I rip open the cereal box with a sigh, I notice large, angular words printed across the front of the box: 2 BONUS BOX TOPS!

Now they're trying to tell my subconscious that I should be excited about them "rewarding" me with two extra pieces of cardboard that I can cut out and send to them to help further the funding of some education program because everyone in the government, donkey and elephant alike, keep arguing about how neither gives a ducky about getting more funds for education, and our children are receiving a less dedicated education than some of the third world countries I've been to. Whew, man. Glad I got that off my chest.

Walking around for days, facing sour-faced people, sad-face, tired-face, mean-face, despair-face... ugly-face... the latter not being because anyone fell out of the the ugly tree; these are handsome people with characteristics of health and vigor wishing to show through, but due to this cycle we're paying to plague ourselves through we are daunted by tasks felt impossible. Hearts are heavy, skies grey and lives intimidated to the point of self-admittance into dark boxes. Will the sun shine anytime soon?

I've been putting down "Exercise" in my schedule for weeks now. I've gone running a grand total of twice. My head is yearning for endorphins, my belly willing to run from anymore carbs. School these past weeks has not been conducive to a healthy, balanced lifestyle; a rollie pollie waiting to uncurl, I wish I'd stop getting poked!

I doze, I run in circles, I do homework, forget to eat, then eat too much... Then I do it all over again. Yesterday I was on top of my A-game, the day before I was drowning. Today I was granted to come up for air once, and by this evening I would love to even have a B-game goin on. Tomorrow: well that's another adventure, but through it all I am praying myself through. It's the only thing I CAN do without fumbling up. In this entire process I've discovered how many-a-woman gives up on the dream of "settling down." Shoot. I wouldn't have time for a man if I wanted one right now. Plus, I certainly do not desire to wish more problems upon myself. It's not that I'm not at all open to considering anything, but for now, singleness is the shiz. And it looks as though by the time it's all over with, prince charming is going to have to do some shaking of the shoulders to wake me up from this trance. God's willing that he can.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

And the Wind and the Waves Shall Obey Him

August 19, 2009, 1:20 p.m. - Suddenly I was lying in the bottom of it. I knew it was the only way to survive. I clung to whatever solid, tangible object I could. The fiberglass was painted blue, just like my daunting surroundings and I hoped that it wasn’t some strange parallel predicting my fate. My heart pounded and I willed for a heart attack or even a brain aneurism to take me before I became swallowed in the smothering, swelling beast, so I could pass before my horrible fate and my worst nightmare became a reality.

Rising and falling, 20 feet up, 30 feet down; the swells were too big for the American part of me, yet the Islander within me also screamed that the ocean was going to swallow me whole. And my cousin was laughing. My friend Fabiola and I were each sharing a portion of the bottom of the small boat. Its 17 foot long by five foot wide body was only a spec on the ocean’s plain. Then I heard a sputter and a lull come over the 25 horse power monotony I knew as the engine.
Earlier that day we had decided to go on an adventure to a notorious beach. Half-Moon Bay is so secluded and out of the way that the islanders of Roatan, Honduras hardly bother going there. Because of its natural beauty it has become a famous spot for celebrity sightings. And I wanted to see a celebrity, but I also preferred not to die.

The plan was for my cousin Kurt and I to leave my grandparents house before 10 a.m. and pick up my friend Fabiola across the harbor and head out before 10:30. When I called the states to talk to my parents the night before, I promised my mom, who is from the island, that I would go on one condition: That the ocean was calm.
My cousin Kurt is a year older than I and a true islander at that. Driving a boat from the time he could tell left from right, his boat driving experience beat mine by a long-shot. I trusted him. He’d proven himself while driving around Oak Ridge, the part of the island where my mom’s family lives, but the difference between that and our planned excursion is that Oak Ridge is inside of the reef. One has to drive OUTSIDE of the reef in order to reach Half-Moon Bay. I was going to face open sea in a very small speed boat. But, I was ready.

Apparently I had to leave US soil in order to learn to swim, because at 20 I was finally able to boast that skill I had so long coveted. Up until then, I had been living with an outright deathly fear of drowning and a hate of bathing suits, a combination that had kept me from treading past my neck on trips to Florida, and out of most pools in the States while growing up. However, having just learned to swim three weeks before, soon after my arrival on the island, I had already proven to be a strong swimmer, thoroughly beating several of my island friends while racing in swim contests. I guess it took jumping off a wall into the ocean, a sink or swim kind of deal to rid me of my fear. I was finally ready for open sea. Or so I thought, because on the afternoon of August 19, all I knew was that I was sure I was going to be doing some sinking, and that I wanted to punch my cousin.

His laughter was echoing off the sides of the boat as he started the engine again. To him the rising and the falling of the small boat was nothing compared to “actual rough weather,” and so he had decided to play a trick on Fabiola and me by stalling the engine. My rebuttals to this action would later greet him once my feet were on dry land, but at that time I kept quiet and rather pious as my mind was yelling prayers into the heavens. I was sure at any moment we would capsize or even a whale would nudge our boat to its final watery destination. As Kurt turned the boat back and we moved closer to the entrance of the reef's safety, I knew that God had heard my prayers, and since I had promised in my moment of fear to use my voice for Him from that year on, that is exactly what I am attempting.

We serve a God that cares. Even if He was laughing at me along with my cousin for my lack of trust and over-dramatic panic, I had to wonder what the disciples had promised God that day while Jesus was sleeping in the bottom of the boat before he stood up to calm the waves.

Monday, September 14, 2009

I'd Like To Grow Old With You...

Is it too much to ask to find someone to grow old with that would like to sit by the fire in the evenings and read and rest while listening to the croonings of Iron & Wine, Jose Gonzales, The Weepies, Ray LaMontagne, Death Cab, and the likes... No TV polluting the atmosphere... Conversation with comfortable, enjoyable silence between. Something hot and aromatically sweet in a warm mug, warm lamp light and candles, no fluorescents blinding the peace... Just heavy, cozy blankets in the winter and large, open windows in the summer. A company of two dear friends in love with each other. Countenances in appreciation of one an-other's differences and in blissful enjoyance of our similarities.

All of this daydream is a life after college. I live only bits and pieces of my desires as I reside in a place with a thousand geese and their brown mushy letters. It's nice here, but there's greener grass. I'd like to plant some. I suppose I have to just live the best way I can, now, with what I have. In this I must convince myself to be content for another year... But I'm still convinced that I might know him... and he might know me... but, I guess we'll have to see. For now I'm writing letters to God. And they aren't brown, under someone's shoe or in the middle of the road.

The Ratz at the Farm

Am I going to the funny farm?

Cause things really don't seem that funny right now.

8 zillion things to do... and all like a toe in the face.

Just over two weeks of school, and little thoughts of figuratively punching folks in the face cross the border of the sanity line in my mind.

The reason they call it a rat race is because it's for rats. Not for humans. What are we doing?


I spend time with God in the morning, but leave him by the doorway.

I wanna take him through the day.

I want Him to take me through the day.

Where is he?
What's taking him so long?

Sunday, September 13, 2009


From waking to dusk... an entire day of concentration lost.

These legs have carried me around today. These arms have wasted time. Fingers fed me leftover cake. Healthy day. Waking at noon, sleep to come again after the number repeats.

"Time, there's always time, on my mind. Pass me by, I'll be fine, just give me time. Time. Cold water." -Damion Rice

Wasted, used, lost, recalled, recovered, memorized, forgotten: Time

"The time that I've taken, I pray it's not wasted. Have I already tasted, my peice of one sweet love." -Sara Bareilles

Nothing accomplished, but much prayed over. Nothing to show, but tomorrow will tell. Is "my mind to settle for an honest mistake in the name of one sweet love?"

"I wish I knew"

Today is becoming tomorrow. My blood feels the turnover. My mind brings the relization of a coming dawn. My eyes close to the tangibility of the darkness around me, bringing me hope of a new chance with time as a new quiet hovers over my beating heart and rushing mind. Sounds of breathing touch my ears in whispers.

Tomorrow time and I have a date. Our dispostions didn't work together too well today... we'll see if either of us has changed.

Sometimes the only question I have for time is, "what's taking him so long?" Take that for what you want... cause on many a day... that question changes to have many a meaning. Tonight it's not in my desire to disclose, but time will tell.