Sunday, January 2, 2011

Turning point

I've been led to another starting point... though still the continuation of a chapter I've been working on. I have no desire to make resolutions I shall not keep this year... Resolutions are pretty cliche... when I think about it. I already exercise, I only lack the ability to sleep on a regular schedule like a normal person and I've already been trying my hand at remedying that problem for years. The only difference is that I'm tired of a couple of things recently brought to my attention after some much-needed reflection: I am weary of caring so bloody much about what other people think and I'm exhausted from looking out for # 1 all the time. There I said it. I'm done. If I do something to annoy you, by all means, walk away, do not grace me with your presence of fake civility anymore simply because I could possibly do something to further whatever means of living you yourself are trying to enhance. We have all been out for number one at some point or another, but my resolution is about my character. I have to shake my head even thinking about the irony of my resolute desire to change in parallel with the very NAME of my blog: "the inside change."

Honestly. Where do I get off twirling around in self-constructed narcissism? My prayer, is to work on my character. I'm tired of being selfish: people don't have to seem selfish to be selfish. I'm tired of looking out for # 1 all the time and I pray that I may stop this constant commentary and planning in my brain via constant "play-by-play" concerning how to always come out on top of my game. There is a bit of exaggeration as I describe myself, but this is how I feel sometimes about the way my brain processes: chock-full of selfishness.

God, correct me, perfect me for your work. Guide me in shedding this layer of selfish thinking and help me to reach out to your children.

No comments: